Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Emotions, aren't they crazy?!?!

My aunt (my mother's youngest sister) passed away in April from cancer. She'd been fighting it for 3 years or better.

Her final passing was due, largely, to her doctor ignoring a mass he saw...and then not admitting it until it was too late. The story is very long (and emotional)...but it is what it is.

My uncle (her hubby) and I have a pretty close bond. It wasn't until I married Mot that we started hanging out with them more. But, since he's been in the family, I've always enjoyed his presence. He's honest...you know where you stand with him. He's trustworthy....he'll bend over backwards to help friends and family.

Our family is strange. (what family isn't? right?) But, I think the main reason for my bond with my uncle is that he feels as though he's an outsider in the family. And even though I AM part of the family, I feel like an outsider as well.

My family loves us both....but neither of us feel as though we fit in.

But anyway, back to my aunt. It's been 8 months since she passed away. My uncle handled it well, but took it really hard. He worshiped her, would do anything for her, and loved her endlessly.

I recently found out that he's dating someone. He called to talk to us about it, but I wasn't home. He called Mot and I, and my grandmother (my aunt's mom)...because "you guys hold the only opinions that matter to me...I don't care what anyone else thinks."

I've only talked to him once since I found out.....we went out with my uncle and new woman (I don't even know her name, ugh!) on Wednesday night. By the time I got there (had a quartet rehearsal first) he had been drinking and was feeling no pain. I keep waiting for him to call me...and I really hope he does. I want to tell him that I'm happy for him, and want him to be happy.

Maybe my actions that night spoke volumes and he doesn't need to call me. I did my best to not show how uncomfortable I was. But I also want to tell him the truth, and how it makes me uncomfortable. Not because I want him to stop...but because I know I won't be able to hide my uneasiness...and I want him to know he shouldn't do anything different. It's just me having to deal with life.

I wish him all the happiness in the world, he's a good guy and deserves it! He really does. And I'm happy that he's happy, I really am.

But.....

When my aunt passed, I didn't really grieve. That's me, so it's no surprise. I can explain and verbalize my emotions to a T. I have no problems speaking my mind, and telling people how I feel. But, my way of dealing with death, is to ignore it completely. It's almost as if I pretend those people who have left, have done just that...only left. Maybe on vacation, maybe moved?

I don't sit down and think "my aunt moved and I can't talk to her." It's not that easy. It's just a frame of mind. I just know that I can't talk to her anymore. I can't hear her laughing any longer. But I try to keep the sadness away.

So, even though I'm happy for my uncle...and realize that he's still a young guy, and can't live his whole life grieving.....I'm having a hard time with him dating. It's just weird.

He's been in the family forever, and when you say his name, you say my aunt's in the same sentence. That's just the way it is.

When I see him sitting close to this woman (who seems very nice, by the way)....it MAKES me grieve for my aunt. It FORCES me to admit to myself that she's gone.

I cried the day after we went out. It's like it makes it official, she's not there any more. Denial was much more fun.

I know, what a downer post, right???? I apologize.

2 comments:

Average Girl In Average World said...

You verbalized these emotions well. I think there are other people who struggle with the same denial issues.Good luck and I wish you some peace.

KayakNej said...

Average: Thanks! I told a friend of mine that it was amazing how much better I felt once I typed that, and got it out of my system. Once I know what the problem is, and admit it, it makes addressing it so much easier!! :-) :-)