Wednesday, July 16, 2008

What exactly IS that smell???

So, who of you have ever tried sunless tanning lotion?? Raise your hands, don't be shy!!! :-)

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm not kidding when I tell you that when I wear white can't tell where my socks end and my legs start. That's how pale skinned I am!!! It's crazy!!! When I was a kid, I merely had to look outside through a small window, and I was completely tan. What the heck happened???? It's bad enough that my metabolism is on permanent vacation, my hair is getting gray, and cashiers are starting to call me ma'am....but now my skin tanning ability is gone???

Because our family tree already has cancer flowing freely through it's branches, I'd really rather not tempt fate by roasting myself like a rotisserie chicken under tanning booth bulbs...or by scorching my self under Mother Nature's big heat lamp in the sky. So, I end up with one of two choices. #1 just stay as pale as the driven snow #2 sunless tanning products. I usually end up settling with option #1 (the snows of Canada)....but I'm currently in a #2 "I'd like SOME sort of color on my legs, so I don't blind everyone I come into contact with on a sunny day" phase.

I've tried the spray tanning route. It was a very messy, expensive and embarrassing process....and have ruled it out completely. (although, my hair salon is now offering the service, so who knows, I may be blogging about it some time in the future...but as of right now, it's still "not an option") ANYWAY.....back to what IS an option right now. I'm standing in the lotion aisle at my local Target store, it's a Monday evening after work. I only went in for milk....but I'm currently holding a new tank top, a bag of cat food, a package of 20 plastic hangers and a box of Lean Pockets (sausage and pepperoni) for supper. The milk is freezing my fingers, and the Lean Pockets are defrosting....I've been walking back and forth in the lotion aisle for what seems like hours now (realistically, 5 minutes). I'm plagued with questions....which one is better, which one won't turn me orange, is the cheaper store brand REALLY the same thing as the brand it's container says you can compare it to...and the most important question....Which one of these products stinks less?? Yes, you heard me...stink less. If you haven't ever used a sunless tanning product.....I invite you to go to your local drugstore, open a few containers, and take a whiff!!! Now, don't think I'm sending you to do something I wouldn't do myself. Because by now, I've set the milk and other products on the floor of the store...and have begun opening all the bottles and tubes....doing just that....smelling them. (when you try this sniff test...make sure you DON'T let the container touch the tip of your nose.....I'm terrified that I will do just that, and have this big brownish/orange spot on the tip of my nose for a week!!) :-)

Let's go back to the lotion aisle........I've basically scared off one lady also trying to buy lotion from this same aisle. Oh god....I'm that crazy lady with the milk, lean pockets...smelling all the lotion and mumbling to herself!! Oh well!!! :-) Surprisingly, this year's products seem to smell better than last year. how do I narrow down the search?? I decided to use the blindfold method....I selected three products that all had promise...put them side by side on the shelf (oh, I may not have mentioned this before, but I'm a habitual store re-organizer....I'm the reason you find a tube of toothpaste sitting in the middle of the picture frames on the other side of the store). I closed my eyes, turned around, and pointed at one. (In case you're wondering, yes, I have officially creeped out the other woman in the aisle, and am now totally by myself) The winner was Oil of Olay, Touch of Sun - or something like that - for fair skin. Decision made....I picked up my other purchases from the floor and headed to the register.

Now let's skip to Tuesday am. I'm out of the shower.....Oil of Olay in hand. I decide to apply it only to my legs for now. I'm not risking the orange factor on more visible parts of my body, until this stuff passes the test on my legs - which can be covered by not wearing skirts or shorts for a week. Product goes on well, not greasy....reduced smell compared to other products I've tried in the past. I make sure to wash my hands with soap and water so hot I'm really not sure how many layers of skin I removed...but I'm sure my hands won't be orange later that day!! At work, I notice a smell....."the" smell. It's that sunless tanner, no description for it, smell. But, it's not too bad. I can live with it.

Now, let's jump to today. I'm sitting here at my desk....and "the" smell is bugging the crap out of me. Yes, my legs actually look a little darker with two applications (probably just my imagination), but the smell is also two times as strong. We put people on the moon, but can't come up with a sunless tanner with a less obtrusive odor?? Come on Oil of can make wrinkles virtually disappear before the very eyes of women across the country, but you can't make this crap smell better??? I don't believe it.

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